I have two memories from my youth
that have periodically recurred to me. The first was a comment from my history
master, that the best test of friendship was the ability to be comfortable with
one’s friend in complete silence for an hour. At 16 we all thought this was
utter nonsense, but now? I wonder! The second was a comment from Tim, one of my
science students, a committed Catholic, who shared that it seemed to him that
we only begin to know what life was about when it is time to die. I should have
given him a much different answer now than the one I gave then, but I then was
only some 8 years older than he, and puzzling myself
As a young
scientist I had no difficulty in believing in a transcendent Creator God. The
excitement of the discoveries in atomic physics, the incredible systems in the
human body, the balances in nature, such as the carbon and nitrogen cycles
could not have been arrived at by pure chance. And the exciting expansion of
space exploration opened our young minds to the miracles of the universe and it’s
Creator. And there were many scientific theories, none of which denied a
creator; big bang or steady state?
But something
was missing. How did humanity, including myself, fit into God’s plan? In the
Christian community to which my family belonged much emphasis was placed on the
Fall, and it was implicit that as a consequence we had to work and pray hard to
earn again the love of the Creator God. An image of God developed, an
anthropomorphic inversion of the original
Genesis story ,we ‘created God in OUR own image’ and God appeared as
judgemental, punitive , loving us when we were ‘Good’ and removing that love
when we were ‘Bad’ A frightening model!.
I pondered also at the past and present cruelties injustices and
divisions among people who professed to be Christian. Humanity in the 40’s was
struggling with the horrors of the Holocaust and Hiroshima. It seemed the
Church had no answers to my many questions. I drifted from the Church and lived
for many years following “the Golden Rule” (“do to others as you would have
them do to you”) (Mat.7:12) and the prohibitions of the Decalogue (Ex 20.7-17).
While a sense of God, though distant, was behind this moral code, still
something was missing for me.
A busy life, concerned mainly with family and scientific
and teaching employment, moved on. Parents died, children grew up and
employment opportunities brought us to Australia. Two of the children had
already found comfort in the post-conciliar Catholic Church, and my work
included teaching in Catholic schools both in England & here. In the gap of
silence that followed our ‘desert experience’ as if by an invisible magnet,
both Bob & I were drawn to the post Vat II Catholic church. Much reading
and discussion followed; particularly we talked of the work of some of the
Christian Mystics, such as Julian of Norwich, Therese of Avila and from modern
times Evelyn Underhill. The ideas of
spiritual journey from blind faith to searching faith recurred and the need for
contemplative silence was new to us. Above all we learned of the unconditional
love of God and that in the Pascal mystery of Jesus’ death, Resurrection and
Ascension, we learned we’d already been saved; so different from my early
experiences and instruction. The
mystery of the transcendence and immanence of God came alive as in Luke 17. 21
“The Kingdom of God is within you” Many
experiences of God’s love began to dawn; one which I’ll share was especially
powerful. When our 6 year old granddaughter drowned we were numbed beyond words
and even emotions; as we farewelled her I felt invisible hands on my head and a
profound peace came over me. We were being comforted by God’s love, and this
came through our silent closeness to him at that time. This experience was
reinforced as we reflected on Rabbi Kushner’s experiences described in “When
Bad Things happen to Good People” as he shared his loss of his eldest son and
drew benefit from the compassion of God, and he added the thoughts, shared with
his communities, that our tragedies are not punishments from God
Of the seven life-journey sacraments of the
Catholic Church, the most powerful for me is the Eucharist. There is experience
of Christ’s spirit being present among the community, the awareness that,
though not perfect, we are forgiven and loved by God. Spoken and sung prayers
of adoration and petition give a sense of both the transcendence &
immanence of God; There is the prayer of listening to Scripture, from both
Hebrew & Christian Testaments, refreshed
with fresh insights from scripture studies in the light of modern scholarship. Many of
the modern hymns are based on scripture, such as yesterdays from Isaiah 55
“Come to the Water” The newly revived prayer of silence which follows the touch
of Jesus in the receipt of the Host gives a chance to experience deeply an
awareness of God’s presence. And this Eucharist thanksgiving is celebrated
every day in every country in the world. One of the Eucharistic prayers
summarised my longing; “May we live in the joy of life in your presence”
One other reflection
developed for me , reflecting on Jesus’ promise “ In my Father’s house are many
dwelling places” (John 14;2) and this linked with my reading of the Vatican II
documents, particularly “Nostra Aetate”, which urged unity between Christians,
a deeper understanding of our own faith and an acknowledgement of the beauty
and truth in other faiths. When Pope John Paul II invited world religious
leaders to meet in 1986 & 1999, in Assisi and Rome to pray for peace
together, he finished with the exhortation “Individually and together we
must show how religious belief inspires peace, encourages solidarity, promotes
justice and upholds liberty”
So I have
learned that Faith is not static, but searching; experiential not merely
intellectual, that there seems to be evidence of God’s spirit moving through
and between the various world faiths as we begin to dialogue, and this brings
Hope, and sometimes Love; but of the three gifts, Faith, Hope & Love the greatest is that of Love.
So where I started, with
Tim’s statement , I’d found that spiritual life is a journey , unending and
that friendship with God can be experienced in the silence of Contemplative
prayer as well as in more traditional prayer forms.
I am 85 earth years old, but probably only
half that in hope-of -heaven years, and still learning. Intellectual
understanding has been part of the quest, but it is the spiritual longing for a
deeper relationship with God is my goal.
A translated poem from the
14th century Turkish mystic, Rumi perhaps summarises better than I
can
The
intellectual quest is exquisite, like pearls and coral
But it is not the same as the spiritual quest
The spiritual quest is on another level altogether
Spiritual wine has a subtler taste
The
intellect and the senses investigate cause and effect
The spiritual seeker surrenders to wonder.
(Rumi Wisdom; trans.
Timothy Freke)
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